When Depression Crashes HARD

14th of November 2022

I know I don't make it on here a lot, but there's a different reason this time. Remember when I had the open heart surgery, and I talked about how hard the depression hit? It happened again. I'd like to think it didn't hit as hard, but the more I think of it, I'm not so sure that's true.

After the surgery, I was back in the hospital not too long. When I got out, that's when the depression hit. I was pissed. I felt worthless. I felt like all I was here for was to pay bills so others can enjoy life. I still feel some of that, but I'm bound determined to make my situation as best as it can be. I really wanted to get back to life; or so I thought. At that point, I didn't know what to do to make things better. I was afraid of being in the hospital again. Those trips get expensive after awhile. I sat in a chair and cried the hardest I've cried in a long time. I think the last time I cried that hard was when my mother died. Except nobody died.

So what happened this time, you ask? Work. 100% work, and I let it. We launched 2 big changes that would affect the workforce and the workflow both. In doing this, there was about a month and a half of a group of us (yes, me included) were working 6 days a week. I didn't have a problem with it; at first.

As time rolled on, I missed lots of possible memories to be made over the summer. I filled in a lot, and all I was thinking about was money. Well, most of that money went to bills. The bills don't seem to be slowing down either. When one bill is paid, another one rears it's ugly head. The elections didn't put anything to ease either.

After a while, I started to feel worthless, and I felt my situation was hopeless. I didn't get the job in California, and maybe that's a blessing in disguise. However, I wanted to move to California so bad. The State of Iowa denied me my tax credit for my solar panels. Instead, corporations like Facebook, Google and Amazon get millions of dollars in tax breaks. Thank you, Iowa. That's not what I really want to say. Fuck you, Iowa.

I started to examine what I want this year, and getting out of Iowa is the main goal. Not only have I tried California, but I'm in the process of Florida. I never really wanted to move to the South, and the big reason of the move right now is Florida isn't Iowa. Iowa is extremely racist, homophobic, sexist, and just down right full of hate. Don't buy into that Iowa Nice crap. That was just a term to help some guy make money and kiss ass.

"But gay marriage is legal in Iowa." Don't think for a minute that Iowans aren't trying to overturn that. As we've seen in the past, the right things done by one person are wiped away by another person because he didn't like that idea. Notice I said he. The problems of this world were most likely caused by a man. Just saying.

I think getting out of Iowa is the main reason for my depression. Will moving cure it? Probably not, but it's worth a try.