Realizing the Power

16th of February 2022

I can only take so much before my anxiety gets the better of me. I'd like to think it takes a lot for that to happen, but let's face it. That's not always true. I try to find better ways, but it never works out. I tried seeing a therapist, but the last 2 have dropped off the face of the planet. One was on medical leave, which is fine. I get it. TRUST ME, I get it. However, I feel like I should have been referred to someone else in the meantime. That never happened.

The last one I had kept canceling or wanted to do phone. Ok, I'm fine with that. However, when I called to ask about something, I never got a reply back. I waited a week. I feel like I should have gotten something. I informed the place that I would not be going there anymore. You might feel that that was harsh, but my mental health was poor after the surgery. It's still poor. I needed something to get me back on track and motivated to do something with my life. I couldn't wait anymore. Things are going fast for me. I don't have time to wait. My place of employment has some weird program that just takes forever and is a very frustrating process. So frustrating that it makes my anxiety worse. Eventually, I told them I was done trying to work with them. They tried to persuade me, but this isn't the first time I've gone through the process. Everything is done online, and the website never works.

I think a change of scenery will help in the long run, and if it doesn't, at least I know I tried. Lately, the only way I've tried is with a therapist. That wasn't working as if you couldn't tell. What also doesn't help is when people try to belittle me for what I'm not happy about. Listen, if I'm not happy about something, I'll do my best to change it. If nothing works, I'm going to voice that. Belittling problems is a dick thing to do. We all do it. We all don't think that we are. Even me. When someone does confront me with it, I apologize. I don't get that back. I get told "bullshit". This is why I'm not a people person.

I'll be the first to tell people I didn't have it that bad. I didn't have it that good either. While I had a loving family, I had to put up with bullies. When I stood up to them, I took a wrong turn and became the bully. It wasn't until Karma came around and bitchslapped me that I corrected my ways. I even apologized to the ones I know I've treated poorly.

Not everyone will do that. They continue to belittle and bully them. When I was a bully, I didn't want to believe that I was. However, when I did an analysis, I realized, yes, I'm being the bully. It was easy for me to feel power over someone. It was harder for me to admit I was wrong, but it was by far more beneficial. The people I did wrong forgave me, and some I'm friends with today. Some I'm not, and that's fine. I at least apologized to them. I can't blame them for not wanting anything to do with me. I don't have anything to do with many people that bullied me either.

I've gone off topic on this so much. I wanted to talk about anxiety, but it drifted off to bullying. My mind is all over the place right now. I don't see that as a good sign. I hope to make it better someday. Only I have that power. When I realize that power, it's my responsibility to use it for good, not bad. The same goes for everyone else, too.