Fuckin' DESTROY!

29th of March 2022

I feel like all of my life, I've been nothing but second best. Any job interview I do get, I'm always the 2nd choice. In little league, the highest place a team I was on ever got was 2nd place. Growing up, "Why can't you be more like your brother or sister?" Nobody ever wants to get to know me. I'm not sure what they want. If they wanted my brother or sister, go talk to them, not me. I don't know what it's like to be my brother and sister. I'll never know. I only know what it's like to be me. If they never wanted me to begin with, they shouldn't have bothered me. I doubt they've ever heard "why can't you be more like your younger brother?"

Growing up being compared to my siblings didn't make me rebellious as much as resentful. I resented everyone because I heard it so much. When trying to get a job at Hy-Vee, I believe I only got it because my brother worked there. However, this was one place I didn't get compared to my brother. Yes, I even got compared to my sister. Some of the teachers I had in elementary school also had my sister in their classes. My sister was a good student. I, on the other hand, could care less about school. It was my time to see friends. Looking at a lot of the subjects, I wondered when the fuck am I going to use them. Math was a main one. I understand needing addition and subtraction, but the stupid problem solving stories?! They were ridiculous. "Bob had 10 apples and needed 20. What did Bob need?" A fucking grocery list, asshole.

However, I got past that once I grew up. The only saving grace I had over my brother and sister was being taller than them. I did have some animosity towards my siblings, and that's why I didn't necessarily treat them the greatest growing up.

Now, growing up, I don't have the "why can't you be more like your brother and sister?" When hearing back from job interviews, I hear "it was a hard choice, but we decided to go with a different candidate." Great, I got second place. To me second place is not good enough. Getting the job at the television station was hard enough. Now trying to grow in it is even tougher. The industry is changing, so that's an obstacle. The constant "different candidate" rejections make it impossible as well. Look, I'm 43 years old. I feel stuck. I feel unhappy. I feel like I'm never good enough. Hell, I'm not even sure how many people read this.

Going through all of this and while thinking over time, I can't help but think that I need a different approach. I've always done things to the best of my abilities, but this time, I'm going to fucking destroy everything I do. I'm going to make damn sure people know I've had a part in it. If I need to get a little more stern with people, I'll do it. I'm tired of people's laziness hurting what I have a part in.