Stroking Along

17th of September 2020

A few weeks ago, I was directing the news when I started to have a stroke. My coworkers noticed that my speech was slurring, and they asked me if I was alright. I felt alright, but I wasn't. One coworker had me smile, and he called 911.

I wasn't scared until I got to the hospital. This time going to the hospital, I felt it, heard it and took it all in. I knew what was going on. I kept asking when's it time. The doctors thought I was asking when I was getting operated on. They soon realized that I was asking when am I going to die.

This experience really scared the shit out of me. I could have walked out with no use of certain things like my arms. However, everything seems to be working right now.

However, as physically well that I feel, mentally, I'm a fuckin' mess. Any headache I get, I start to wonder if I'm getting another stroke. You'll see me clinching my left hand into a fist because I'm making sure I'm not having another one. I'm doing so much to check to make sure I'm not having a stroke.

While in the hospital, one nurse went above and beyond to make sure I was doing well. Her first name is Courtney. We joked a bit. We forgave each other for our baseball teams (she's a Cardinal fan, I'm a Cub fan if you didn't know already). She was able to explain things to me so I could understand. What she was saying was exactly what the doctors said. She helped keep my spirits up because this was all new to me. Lots of this scared me, but she assured me everything would be ok. I will give her a gift that I've got someone working on now. I didn't think I'd see her again until... A couple days ago, I decided to ride my bike to work. Everything was fine until the end. I was almost to work when my ICD went off. I was walking up a hill, and I stopped because I was exhausted. Then the ICD shocked me. I stayed still and walked up a little more. My ICD went off AGAIN! Going off once, I would only have to go to the doctor's office. Twice: the hospital. I was in there for about 4 hours, so no reunion with Courtney. The last few months, I've felt defeated and useless. Don't get me wrong. The Dead Man Walking will still stroll, but now I have to conquer a fear I never thought I had. I'll get by it, but with everything, it will take time.