Finding Purpose (Not Finished and won't be either)

1st of June 2019

We've all asked ourselves "why are we here?" I've been asking it a lot lately. To me, I feel like I just pay bills, no more no less. I just acquired a second job, so now, I'll be working a lot more. I like the new place I work. The people I work with are great, and the pay is great. However, that's when I work. I should have known going into the service industry (I work security at a bar) that the hours are not guaranteed. However, I lost an entire shift because the weather was going to be bad.

Lately, I've just been feeling completely worthless. A lot of times, I feel like I work twice as hard to get twice as less. It's been a long time since I was on vacation. In fact, someone asked me when I was going to Cancun (I won this trip last year). I got this trip AFTER going into the hospital, so money for a vacation is going to be next to impossible. There are so many things I want to do, but life keeps happening. I like helping others, but when I need it, it's the same people helping me. I hate having to ask the same people for help because I feel like they get annoyed with me after a while. I don't ask for a lot of help because I don't want to come off as a nuisance to my friends. I would get annoyed with it, but I would still help.

It just seems I just work a bunch and don't enjoy anything much anymore. When I'm in these kinds of funks, it also seems that this is when people want to test my patience. You can see here one person, ok Holly, saying a snide remark. Maybe she was joking. I don't care. I'm getting tired of people's negativity, and I'm not going to take it any more. Is it much? I don't care. What people don't understand is that I rarely receive compliments, so when I do, I really do cherish them. I even brag about them as you can see here. I try to give lots of compliments as well. Yes, I'm probably overreacting, but some people need to fuck off. I've become annoyed very easily by anyone lately. Let people have their moment of glory no matter how little it is. I guess I just don't understand everyone's negativity nowadays.