I'm Going Through Changes

23rd of October 2018

I'm not sure what's happened to me ever since I've gotten out of the hospital, but I know I'm a changed man. I don't know if it's for better or worse. I have yet to identify specific changes, but I don't feel the same. I'm still doing the same in the gym, only better. I feel calmer, but I still stress out. I don't know if it's the antidepressants or not. I still don't have the best outlook on life. I was never to the point that I wanted to harm myself or others. However, my attitudes were and still are depressing.

I welcome the changes as long as they're good, but it's scary to me to not know if they're good. I get words of encouragement, but I always feel that anything I do, no matter how hard I do my best, it's not good enough. When I did Over the Edge (I'll write about that later), I felt terrible because I didn't raise enough money. They let me go only because they had already scheduled me. At the gym, they say I'm working too hard. I say I'm not doing some things right. I've never been a patient man, so that has lots to do with my outlook. BUT, my patience has grown since being out of the hospital. I've tried to do lots since I've gotten out not just for myself, but for others as well. I still don't feel it's enough. When will it be enough for me, you ask? When I feel that everyone has been helped and touched by kindness. There's lots of kindness needed around the world, but there's very few who give it. It's sickening to me how cruel everyone is to others.