Was I Meant to be Happy?!

23rd of July 2018

My mother always told me that I control how my actions. I control what I say. I control my emotions. I still don't know how to control either. My actions have gotten better. I've started to think about what I say before I say it. However, my emotions are on my sleeve. At least that's what I've been told by many people. I can't help it. I wish I knew how, but if I don't agree with something, people will know it. I can lie out of my mouth but not my body language. I get the pissed off look, sharp movements and everything else. It's hard for me to say "it sucks" in a polite way. I've given and given and given at work a lot. I feel I get nothing in return. I won't talk too much about work because I know only I can change it in one way.

I was doing great at keeping smart ass comments to myself, but even that's going away. I can't deal with how people are so self-centered. Maybe I'm the self-centered one. I don't know. I just know that all of this is causing me to not be happy. If I could, I would move out of Iowa completely. Iowa is all I know though. It would be a big change. Would it be worth it? The only way to find out is to shit or get off the pot. I've thought about Arizona, and I also wanted to live in California when I was younger. Both states have the gym I'm a member of (you probably know I go to Anytime Fitness), so that's a plus.

However, if I go there and I'm still not satisfied, it would be a waste of money. I'm too old for that, and I don't like to waste money when I have so little of it. I've often wondered if I'm supposed to be happy at all. How am I supposed to coexist?