Life & Death

9th of February 2017

I'm not even sure what to write here. The pic you see is me laying on my plot when I die. That's my mother's tombstone on the upper right. I wanted this picture taken, and my sister-in-law said it was morbid. Maybe so. However, that's how I was feeling at the time. I don't fear death so much. I do worry about what happens after. Nobody knows what happens for sure. People have theories, and that's all I treat them as. I won't knock them because I can't prove them wrong. However, nobody can prove them right.

What I do know is when I saw my mother take her last breath, she looked straight ahead like something was there. I don't know what it was, but it was something. When she was still alive, I came in hearing her talking, so naturally, I checked on her. I asked if everything was ok, and she said "Yes, I'm just talking to the angel." Of course, I thought she was seeing things (to put it nicely), but maybe she really was. I can't say for sure what she saw in her room or when she was taking her last breath. I just know that she believed it, and I wasn't going to tell her otherwise. I didn't believe her, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I think she knew her time was coming based on how she was talking. She showed us a folder that had her final wishes in it, but I was bound determined she was going to get better.

I find it hard to believe in prayer, but if others do, great. Every time I see "prayers" on Facebook, I cringe. Especially if it's on my page. It doesn't do anything for me. I'm more confused, and I'm less satisfied. I realize I will not always get my way. However, I do expect answers and not puzzles. If this God is so powerful, why does evil still exist? Not only exist, but seem more powerful than ever. I can't go a day without hearing about a murder or an act of terrorism. What kills me the most is everyone just prays about it. This is where I ask "what good is that doing?" Nobody is gaining anything out of it. When I die, no prayers will be done at my funeral. It will be forbidden. I do believe in life after death, but I don't know at what capacity. For all I know, I'll come back as a salamander.