You Won't See Me Cry
29th of November 2016
Everyone tells me that I wear my emotion on my sleeve. That might be true, but that doesn't mean everyone knows what I'm thinking or feeling. I hate it when people assume that they do. What I also don't like is when others don't think about how their actions will affect other people's feelings. I'm not saying to live life in order to please others. What I'm saying is if you know that someone will potentially be hurt by what you're about to do, you should talk with those it will affect. At least then, those people realize that you thought about their feelings before doing it. Stay with me on this. Again, I don't think we should live to please others (unless you're married. Then, you're sworn to do so). Consideration for others will go a long way. Doing something and then expecting people to just accept it will backfire every time.
Again, back to people thinking that they know what I'm feeling, they will see my anger. My anger is an offense even though I think of it as a defense. I see it as a defense of my vulnerability. Very few people have seen me in that state. My mother has seen me the most vulnerable. Many see me as either a smart ass, a joker, one who looks for positive in everything. While that's true, others see me as this uncontrollable, rage-filled, angry man who doesn't appreciate what's around him. If by what you say is around me involves negative people with negative attitudes who insult me to bring him or herself up, you'd be right. I don't just get mad out of nowhere. There's usually something that causes my anger, or rage as some may call it. I don't always need to be right. I just always need to be heard. That's all I'm asking.
However, among all of what people think, they will NEVER see me cry. It's not a self conscious thing. It's just something that hits me later when I'm alone. People don't get to see it because I'm angry too long for them to see it. When I'm wronged in a way that's a sure way to hurt me, I get mad. Like when I was cheated on, left out or whatever the case may be, they saw my anger. They didn't see the hurt. These past few months, I've cried so many times going to bed that I've had to wash the pillow cases. I started this year by crying tears of joy by knowing that I would be in my own house. At the end of the year, work has stressed me out, family members have hurt me, friends have betrayed me and life has felt unfair. I know I'll get by, but it just seems like it shouldn't be so hard. I feel held back by others.
Tonight, I'll go to bed and think about how to get through this week and next. I'll think about the next day off I have and wonder if I'll be called in for it. I'll wonder if I can say no to more overtime, or will I say yes thinking about the money and not how exhausted I am. I'll think about that, and then I'll cry. Yes, believe it. I cry. I cry thinking about all this stress I have, and I can't tell my mother about it since she's dead. I'll think about how I still blame myself for her death. I cry some more. I think about how I feel like I'm doing nothing important in life. I cry some more. I think about how my mother felt the same about her life even though I found letters to her thanking her for her help. I cry some more. Yes, I cry. But you won't see me cry.
