Dark Times
17th of November 2016
I'm in an emotional rut right now. They always make their way about this time. Whether it's election days or the change of the weather that causes it, I'm not a big fan of it. The sun isn't out as much, and the temperatures drop. So far, this fall has been a rather nice one compared to others. I know that won't be the same said about the winter. I have a feeling winter is going to be brutal. I get cabin fever now more than ever. Getting a bike helped fight that, but I won't use it during the winter. I hate the cold more than anything. I love the rainy nights and sunshiny days. It seemed like this spring and summer was ruined by the campaigns for the election. However, it has brought some things to light.
I think it's time for change. I've written a lot about positivity, but I don't know that I've done much about it. I post on Facebook about wanting more positivity, but people respond back. I don't want people to respond back with solutions. They don't know my situation, and I don't know theirs. I do that on purpose. I need to figure it out for myself. I could only trust one person, and she's not with us anymore....my mother. Sure, I would get frustrated with her when she would interrupt me, but she's the only one that really knew me. She knew that I just wanted to get things off my chest. Now that she's gone, I don't really have anyone to tell it to without someone giving a "solution" like they have all the fuckin' answers or telling me to get some professional help. I'm done with that.
Some things that have come to light are what I should be doing in life. I keep asking myself "what is my contribution to society?" I always draw a blank. What can I contribute? I'm single with no kids. I have no one to pass down what knowledge I have (which isn't much). I'm also in a time where people, young and old, believe he or she have all the answers. They don't need to hear from me. I just want to make people smile, but I don't think that's possible when I can't smile. I've lost my smile and my abilities to make others smile. Maybe it's just a phase, but it's been going on for a while. Just talking about it helps, but seeing changes, even if it's just a compromise, helps even more.
