Holiday: At Least Reflect

11th of December 2015

I don't celebrate the holidays much, but that doesn't mean I hate them. I use the holidays to reflect on where I have been the past year and where I want to be next year. I feel that the meaning of the holidays are there, but I don't think it's practiced enough. Maybe I just don't see enough of it since I've worked the holidays for the past ten years. Maybe if I actually got the chance to see family over the holidays, I will see things differently.

I always loved Christmas growing up. I don't really have a memory that sticks out, but I did like just having a day of doing nothing. Sure, my brother, sister and I played with our presents, but my family didn't really go out anywhere. We stayed home and enjoyed everyone's presence (not presents). I do remember getting a bike one year, and I had no idea I was getting one. I don't know how my parents kept that one a secret. My guess is they had help from the neighbors. My brother and sister got one (each), too, and we started to learn to ride right away.

I didn't do so hot, and it wasn't until the summer that I finally got the hang of it. I wouldn't touch the bike for the longest time. As hard as my mom and dad tried, they just couldn't get me to learn to ride my bike. I don't know how I even did it. I just got on it and started riding. I remember my mom wanting to see, and I got nervous. I couldn't do it any more. She caught me while I was riding in the street, and it scared the crap out of me. She was cheering, and I thought I was in trouble. I almost fell, but I was close enough to the curb that I could stick my foot out to catch my fall. She came out and checked on me. I asked if I was in trouble for riding in the street. Her reply was "Where else are you supposed to ride? You're not riding it in the house." Her only rule was that my brother, sister and I ride together. My sister didn't ride too much, but my brother and I would ride to the school up the street.

I try not to get too depressed around the holidays now that my mother has passed on, but it's hard. She knew I grew to not like the holidays, but she would do her damndest to make it the best for me. She worked so hard to make me smile just for that time I was with her on Christmas and Christmas Eve. I did my best to make it a good holiday for her as well since she lived by herself. The best I do on the holiday is try to smile for her even if I'm not happy (and I'm not). Sometimes, faking happiness can lead to happiness. I just haven't found happiness with her not here.

#Holiday #Christmas #ChristmasEve #nextyear