Tortured Soul
25th of March 2015 We're well into the year of 2015, and I feel like it's a better year than 2014 already. The year 2014 has brought me a lot of pain since I attended 6 funerals. I don't know if that sets a record, but one of those was the funeral for my mother. That was a painful one. The last time I was at a funeral for someone I was really close to was my grandmother on my mother's side. I had people leave this world, but I wasn't able to attend the funeral for one reason or another. Like my cousin, who lived in Montana, I couldn't get the time off to get there. I was very disappointed in that as well. My boss wasn't willing to work with me on that either. Since last year, I've done lots of thinking, reflecting and searching. Thinking of answers and solutions and even explanations. The more thinking I did, the more I realized that there really are no clear-cut answers to anything. It hurts that I couldn't save my mother while I was caring for her. It hurt that I felt like I was all by myself. I really wasn't. I should have not only asked for more help, but I should have accepted more help. I tried to be Superman and Batman all at the same time. What I didn't realize is that Nature was going to take its course whether I liked it or not, whether I was ready or not. In the year 2014, I've had to make decisions that I never thought I would have to make. The old cliche is that life is full of surprises. I found that to be true. The year 2014 is a year I will never forget, but it's not for good reasons. I experienced a lot of loss that year, and it's not because of attending 6 funerals. Some of those, I went to show my friends support. I wanted to let them know that I was there to listen to their pain as I had hoped some of my friends would listen when I'm ready to deal with my pain. I feel the pain, but I've never expressed it. Whether that's healthy or not, I just never really felt that it was the right time. I felt I needed to be strong, but I don't know what I needed to be strong for since I'm single. Since the time of my mother's death, I've had to help plan the funeral, garage sales, sell the house, transfer the car to my sister and a bunch of other final things. That has been the biggest torture of all. My mother lived in the house I grew up in. Selling the house is basically saying good-bye to my childhood, which I thought I did a long time ago. I guess I didn't. Everything came crashing hard from memories from the 80s (my favorite era) to high school to college. This all is the biggest transition in life I've experienced, and I've done a lot before the year 2014. I survived both elementary and middle school. I graduated both high school and college. I got my first job. I moved out into my own place. I got my own car without needing my mother to co-sign. Life is full of tragedies, and that's never been a secret. How we deal with them is what builds our character. I've tried to take the high road on a lot of things, but I've been known to take the easy way out and say "fuck it." I've learned that saying "fuck it" merely just puts the problem on the shelf. Some things, we don't have a choice in the matter. We have to accept it, and we have to move on in a positive manner. It's been hard to be positive, but if I don't, my soul will be more tortured than I feel it is. Maybe it's not so tortured. I later started to think that maybe it's me that's torturing my soul. I'm still finding out. Until next time, take care of yourself and others.
